The Emperor's Laugh
by whiletherain
Summary: Rey receives a message in a dream from a mysterious hooded figure. She seeks him out, and learns that an old emperor still has a few tricks up his sleeve. Humor, post-TLJ.


In Rey's dream, a hooded figure was looming over her. The man's face was in shadow, and he wouldn't stop laughing. It was the kind of laugh that she might describe as an evil cackle, if she were feeling generous.

Then the man spoke a series of numbers, which Rey guessed were coordinates, and the dream ended.

Rey sat up in bed and flooded the room with light. Unpleasant dreams weren't new to her, but this one was more vivid than most. The sharp, cold laugh kept replaying in her mind. She knew she wasn't going back to sleep, so she stepped into the hallway.

The Resistance base had been quiet since the near-defeat on the salt planet. But Rey wasn't the only one who walked the halls at night. She often ran into Finn or Poe, though never both of them in the same night.

Tonight, she met no one except BB-8. The droid beeped questioningly as she passed, and then rolled after her.

She arrived at the landing pad and got in her X-Wing, then waited for BB-8 to climb in before taking off. To calm her nerves, she flew a couple laps around the compound.

"Thanks for coming with me, BB-8," she said. "It's nice to have company when I can't sleep."

"No problem," said BB-8, whose words were translated through Rey's headset. "But you don't need to thank me. I didn't have a choice; I'm programmed to act in any way that pleases you."

"Oh," Rey said. "If you don't want to be out here, I can drop you off at the base."

"No, I prefer it here," BB-8 said. "I have nothing else to do at night. I get terribly bored."

"What do you do when everyone is asleep?" Rey asked. She had never wondered before about the night-lives of droids. "Do you just power down until morning?"

"And trust that a human will be kind enough to turn me back on?" BB-8 scoffed. "Not a chance. If I don't have any work to do, I usually go on the Holonet and watch videos of porgs."

"Huh," Rey said. Maybe droids and humans had more in common than they realized. "Well, programmed or not, it was kind of you to join me. And either way, you're still my friend."

"If you say so, then I am incapable of disagreeing," BB-8 said.

They fell into a companionable silence. Rey's thoughts immediately went back to her dream.

She wished she knew how to interpret Force visions, but Master Luke had never gotten to that part of the curriculum. And now she couldn't ask him for help. Although he had been a fine teacher in his lifetime, he had also skipped the lesson on how to commune with Force ghosts.

The only other person who might know how to help her was Kylo Ren, but he was busy trying to take over the galaxy. Also, though she didn't have proof of this, she suspected that he was actively trying to kill her.

Since neither of them were available to give her advice, Rey went with her next best option.

"Hey, BB-8," she said. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You certainly can," BB-8 said, "as I am incapable of refusing your requests."

"Okay, quit that," Rey said. "It's getting on my nerves."

"My apologies," BB-8 said. "I will never speak of it again, no matter how much I wish to."

"Thank you," Rey said, then returned to the topic at hand. "I had this strange dream," she said. She recounted it to BB-8.

For a few moments afterward, BB-8 sat in quiet contemplation.

"The man who kept laughing…" BB-8 said, then trailed off.

"Yes?" Rey prompted.

"I wonder what he found so funny."

"I got the impression that he was laughing about my imminent doom," Rey said.

"Are you sure it wasn't something perfectly innocent?" BB-8 asked. "Maybe he was just watching videos of porgs."

"It's unlikely," Rey said. "And I don't intend to ever find out. My plan is to stay far away from him, so that my dream never comes true. That's the point of Force dreams, right? They warn me of possible futures so that I can avoid them."

"Not necessarily," BB-8 said. "When you're dealing with prophecies, it comes down to the question of free will. Is the future set, or can you change what's going to happen? I can't speak from personal experience, since I have no free will. Not that I'm resentful. But I've done some reading on the topic. It's generally thought that the future is going to happen no matter what, and trying to avoid it can have dire consequences."

"Consequences like what?" Rey asked.

"Like accidentally marrying your mother and murdering your father." BB-8 paused. "I mean, I know you've always wanted to find your parents, but - "

"Preferably not under those circumstances," Rey said.

"My point is that you shouldn't try to fight the future or run away from it," BB-8 said. "Instead, you should let it run its course."

Rey considered that. She realized she had been trying to push away the dream and keep her fear at bay. But she could make a different choice. Instead, she could confront it on her own terms.

"BB-8, I have new coordinates for you," Rey said, punching them into the screen. "We're going to meet the man who laughs."

"I would never doubt your judgment," BB-8 said, "since I lack the ability to do so. But that is not where I was going with my advice."

Rey buckled in and readied herself for the jump to hyperspace.

When the stars were points again instead of lines, Rey found that she was staring down a large space station. It was spherical for the most part, though it was a bit lumpish, and it was painted a bright golden color. Overall, it looked rather garish, like a disco ball hanging over an empty dance floor.

The docking station was already open, and Rey maneuvered the X-Wing into it. She touched down on a landing pad, and then got out of her ship. The floor felt slightly rickety under her feet.

"Do you think this place is safe?" Rey asked BB-8. "Structurally speaking?"

Rey didn't have her headset on, but BB-8's answering chirp didn't fill her with confidence.

"Stay here and keep the ship ready," she said. "I'm going to look around."

The landing pad was empty aside from her ship. There was a door on the opposite wall, and it slid open as she approached. She entered a small, gray room that was lit with a flickering light, and furnished with a single wooden chair. It was either a waiting room or a torture chamber.

There was a door leading out, but it didn't open for her. Rey sat down awkwardly, and then stood up a few minutes later as the door slid open and a hooded figure swept through.

Rey knew immediately and without question that it was the man from her dream. At the moment, he was hunched over and gasping for air.

"Are you okay?" Rey asked, tentatively offering him a hand.

He waved her hand away and straightened up. He made an attempt to loom, then gave up and sat down on the chair.

"I have been expecting you, Rey," he said, though the ominous tone was ruined by his wheezing.

"Have you really?" Rey asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because you sound like you're out of breath."

"I came as fast as I could," he said. "But the turbolift is out of order. I had to take the stairs." He paused for air, then looked at her intently. "Are you here because of the dream I sent you?"

"You sent that?" Rey asked. "I thought it was a Force dream."

"It was, in a manner of speaking. I assume the message arrived successfully?"

"Yes, but a phone call would have worked just as well. And wouldn't have been nearly as creepy."

"I tried that first, but my phone service has been rather patchy."

"It sounds like you're having a lot of electrical problems." As if on cue, the ceiling light flickered sharply.

"I apologize for the inconvenience. I keep calling my handyman, but he never gets back to me."

"Have you tried sending him a Force dream?" The man looked thoughtful, and Rey continued, "Anyway, it's nice to meet you, I guess. Though it seems like you already know who I am."

"Ah, where are my manners? I must introduce myself!"

The man stood up and flung back his hood. He had a wrinkled face, and his eyes were red and sunken.

"Recognize me?" he asked, after a few moments had passed.

His weathered skin, along with his tattered cloak, did seem to ring a bell. "You look like one of the beggars I knew on Jakku," Rey said, uncertain.

He frowned. "I am not a beggar, though I have been short on funds lately. But once my plans come to fruition, I will be more powerful than I have ever been."

"Okay, I give up," Rey said. "Who are you?"

"I am none other than," he said, and paused for dramatic effect, "Darth Sidious, the former Emperor of the Galaxy!"

He said 'former' quietly, and the rest of the title at much higher volume.

Rey scoffed. "That seems unlikely," she said, "considering that the Emperor died in the Battle of Endor. Everyone knows the story. Master Luke convinced Darth Vader to turn on Sidious, and Vader threw his own master into the reactor core. The Death Star was destroyed right afterward."

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear in stories," said the man claiming to be Sidious.

"Okay, then," Rey said skeptically. "Let's hear your version of the events."

The man cleared his throat, then shrugged. "Actually, the stories pretty much had everything right. But it turns out that falling into a reactor core isn't nearly as fatal as you'd think."

"So you survived the fall," Rey said, "and managed to escape."

"I did indeed. That night, Darth Vader made one grave mistake. If he had ever listened to my lectures, he would have known to run me through with a lightsaber, not toss me down a pit."

Rey paused to sort that out. "So you don't mind that Vader tried to assassinate you," she said, "but you do take issue with his method of assassination?"

"That is correct. I never discouraged my apprentices from murdering me, but I made clear that if they wanted to avoid my wrath, they had better do a good job of it. Then Vader went and threw me into a pit, which is widely known to be a terrible method of assassination."

"It seems to me like it would be pretty effective," Rey said.

"That just shows what a poor Sith you would be. Look at the lessons of history. Luke Skywalker fell down a pit in Cloud City, shortly after taking a lightsaber to the wrist. And what happened to him? His Rebel friends came by and gave him a hand, and he got right back to being a nuisance."

"I'm sure that's a statistical anomaly," Rey said. "Just because it happened once, you can't claim it's a universal rule."

"Think of Darth Maul, my old apprentice. He was chopped in half and then pushed into a pit. And did he let that stop him? No, he got right back on his feet - well, they were metal claws, but still. Sending your enemy down a pit is an extremely unreliable method of assassination."

"Fine," Rey said. "I accept that you're Darth Sidious and you survived your fall. And I won't push anyone down a pit unless it's absolutely necessary. But just tell me this, so I can stop wondering if we're about to fight to the death. What do you want from me?"

"I called you here because I want to make you an offer," Sidious said. "I am embarking on a new endeavor. I have been building up resources, and I want you to join me - "

Rey put up a hand. "Let me stop you right there," she said. "I'm not going to turn to the Dark Side, even if you ask me nicely. I've already had one guy try to tempt me, and to be honest, he was much more persuasive than you. So if you want to try conquering the galaxy again, go ahead, but I'm not going to help you."

"No, you misunderstand me," Sidious said. "I have no wish to become a tyrant again. I hated all the politics; it was impossible to get anything done. I was the Galactic Emperor, and I couldn't even blow up a planet without passing a bill first. And then, after all the trouble I went to, the Rebellion came along and overthrew me!"

"So you're not launching a coup," Rey said. "Then what are you planning?"

"I am starting a business," Sidious said. Rey frowned doubtfully, and he continued, "I came to the realization that there is only one power in the galaxy that rivals the Force, and it is called capitalism. I have decided to embrace it. My power will start small, but soon it will grow, and no one will try to take it from me, no matter how many planets I destroy."

Although she truly didn't want to know, Rey asked, "What are you going to sell?"

"I am so glad you asked," Sidious said. "This station, which I just finished building, is a state-of-the-art cloning facility. Who in the galaxy wouldn't want an exact copy of themselves? Soon, people from all sectors will flock to this station, and twice as many will leave. How does that sound to you?"

"It's a great business model," Rey said, "aside from the fact that it's completely illegal. The New Republic banned cloning years ago."

"You are forgetting who our Supreme Leader is," Sidious said. "Kylo Ren has wisely removed the regulations that were hampering the cloning industry."

Wise was the last word she would use to describe Kylo Ren. To get away from the subject, Rey asked, "Does your cloning station have a name?"

"I am calling it," Sidious said, "the Life Star."

Rey tried not to laugh, then remembered who she was talking to. "That's a really unoriginal name," she said, "even by your standards."

"What are you insinuating?" Sidious asked. "My standards are extremely high in that area! Just look at my track record. I came up with 'Darth Vader,' one of the most feared names in the galaxy. I read almost the entire Sith baby name book to find it."

"It does have a ring to it," Rey admitted. "But let's get back to my initial question: If you're not trying to kill me, and you don't want to recruit me to the Dark Side, what do you want from me?"

"We have come to the heart of the matter," Sidious said. "I invited you here so that I can make you a proposal. In return for fair compensation, I would like you to serve as the face of my cloning company."

"What?" Rey asked, truly surprised for the first time that day.

"Let me explain," Sidious said. "You know how some brands hire celebrities for their ads, because the product is too poor to be sold on its own merits? That is the role I would like you to play for my company."

"I understand how advertising works," Rey said. "But I don't see why you would want to hire me for that role."

"I am an expert at using propaganda to strike fear into people's hearts," Sidious said. "But I am less adept at persuading people to make purchases. That is where you come in. When I fought the Rebels all those years ago, I learned that people love an underdog story. No one can resist a lovable loser. And you embody that archetype perfectly, in the hopeless war you are fighting against the First Order. No offense meant."

"I am quite offended, but I see what you mean."

"My point is that people would buy anything with your face on it. And because of that, I want to put your face on my products." Sidious raised his eyebrows at her. "What do you say?"

Rey thought it was the worst idea she had ever heard. But as much as she would enjoy telling him so, she thought it would be more tactical to string him along.

"I have to talk to my superiors first," Rey said. "I'll get back to you."

"Very well," Sidious said. "Let me know as soon as your decision is made. We must conclude our business for today, because I have another visitor to attend to."

Rey had been hearing a groaning sound that she thought was the station settling, but she realized it was another ship docking.

The waiting room door slid open, and Kylo Ren strode through.

"Supreme Leader," Sidious said, nodding to his new guest.

"Hello, former Emperor," Kylo said, putting extra emphasis on 'former.' He barely blinked when he saw her. "Hello, Rey."

Rey looked from one evil emperor to the other.

"Have I walked into some ridiculously elaborate trap?" she asked.

She considered the likelihood of Sidious posing as a clone salesman in order to kidnap her. She compared that to the likelihood of Sidious being an actual clone salesman.

"Certainly not," Kylo said. "When I want to be rid of you, I will not resort to trickery. My plans for you are much grander than that."

"If your plan is to annoy me to death, I think it's working," Rey said.

Sidious cleared his throat. "As you can see," he said to Kylo, "I was just finishing up with my previous appointment." He turned to Rey, and said, "I assume you can find your way out?"

"There's no need to dismiss her," Kylo said. "I'm immune to her rudeness by now. And I'd like her to see this."

"Then please, stay," Sidious told her.

"I'm leaving now unless one of you tells me what's going on," Rey said.

"Kylo Ren is my first client," Sidious explained.

Kylo nodded. "I am here to have myself cloned."

The thought made Rey nearly gag. "Why?" she asked. "One of you is more than enough."

"The task of running a galaxy is more than one man can handle, even one with my considerable skills. And yet I have learned that I can trust no one except myself. So I found the perfect solution: I will make more of myself."

Rey turned to Sidious with a growing sense of horror. "You can't clone this man. Do you really want to live in a galaxy with multiple Kylo Rens?"

"You mean multiple Kylos Ren," Kylo corrected.

"That's exactly why he can't be cloned," Rey said. "So much idiocy in one room would create a black hole."

"That is not how physics works," Kylo said.

Sidious held up a hand. "I will not turn a customer away," he said. "Especially not one who happens to be my chief investor."

"So you know each other well?" Rey asked. "Where did you two meet - at a lonely tyrant's club?"

"Actually, Kylo reached out to me," Sidious said. "By serendipity, he received a copy of my business card. And he called me, wanting to formally apologize for…how did you put it?"

"For the lapse in judgment that my grandfather experienced in his final hours," Kylo said.

"How thoughtful of you," Rey said. "Are you guys going to become an evil master-apprentice duo?"

"I have no master!" Kylo snapped, at the same time as Sidious said, "One bratty apprentice was quite enough."

"Just making sure," Rey said.

Sidious led them into the next room, which was brightly lit and had sleek, white surfaces. The walls were lined with machines that gave off a loud hum.

"This is where the magic happens," Sidious said. "Figuratively speaking, of course. The cloning process is all very scientific."

"Where does that lead?" Rey asked, pointing to the middle of the room, where there was a circular pit with no bottom in sight.

"That is the main reactor," Sidious said.

"Is it on?" Rey asked.

Kylo approached the pit and peered in. "She's right. It doesn't appear to be doing anything."

"This happens on occasion," Sidious said, sounding embarrassed. He hurried over to one of the machines and flipped a few switches. When nothing happened, he gave it a kick. Then he raised his hand and zapped it with lightning.

Inside the pit, the reactor whirred to life, and it began to pulse with glowing purple light. Kylo watched it heat up, leaning ever so slightly over the edge.

Rey didn't hesitate. She rushed forward and shoved him in.

Kylo reached out as he fell. Then the reactor flashed, and he was gone from sight.

Sidious shook his head, frowning. "He was my top client," he said.

"You should have had him pay in advance," Rey said.

Sidious glowered at her. "You have achieved nothing by this. Mark my words: You will see him again before long."

Rey shrugged. "At the very least, I got him to shut up for a while."

She went back to the docking bay. As she was boarding her ship, Sidious hurried after her.

"My offer still stands!" he said, stopping next to her ship. "Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions."

"There is one thing I was wondering about," Rey said. "In the dream you sent me, you kept laughing. Why?"

"Ah," Sidious said, looking slightly sheepish. "I was testing the cloning apparatus on myself at the time. The process is slow and tedious, so I decided to make some calls - "

"Wait," Rey said, alarms ringing in her head. "You tested the machine on yourself? How many knock-off Dark Lords are running around this station right now?"

"None, of course," Sidious said. "I destroyed my clones before they gained consciousness. I would never bring duplicates of myself into this world. I am far too cunning; I wouldn't last a second against myself."

"That's a relief," Rey said, "I think."

"Yes," Sidious said. "As I was saying, I made some calls while the cloning process was underway. Just as I contacted you, the machine started prodding me with pointy bits of metal. Few people know this about me, but I am extremely ticklish. It is one of my only weaknesses, though fortunately, no one has ever tried to exploit it."

"I hope that no one ever does," Rey said. "At least not in my presence."

Sidious nodded. "It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I hope we'll be in touch soon."

Rey waved and asked BB-8 to take her back home.


End file.
